Field Notes | 01

Not everyone will understand you.

Not everyone will like you.

Not everyone is meant to.

& ...the opposite is true too.

These past 5 years, I feel like I have completely unravelled every thread of who i thought i was, then slowly weave them back together. Same threads, different pattern. the thing is that this weaving never really finishes. Just when i think I've understood something, a loose thread appears, asking to be undone.

Another uncomfortable truth asks to be seen.

And unpicking starts again..

Most of what I've learnt hasn't happened in solitude of course..

It has happened through people.

Community is so important as they reflect back to us all that we need to learn...

For any real work to happen, communities cannot just consist of people you get along with & like, because they just validate all the likeable parts of yourself that you are comfortable to meet. So, with difficulty, I have been trying not to move away from people that irritate me and be more mindful of what is happening in these moments..

Instead i have been asking

What is this showing me?

not easy..

Over these years, I also had to accept that not everyone will get you- even those that did before & who once championed you...

& honestly, i don't expect anyone to keep up with my 108 personality U-turns!

People have better things to do than try to keep up with these shenanigans!

To those who've quietly walked away...

I grieve the loss

but my heart remains full of gratitude for what we shared

The difficult ones for me are

the friendships that arrive carrying something we need at that moment

& then leave...

oh my heart....

i love you, i miss you, you will forever be a part of me - you gave me threads!

& then there are people who love the parts of you you've spent years trying to hide

they've always seen it

& no matter how many times you have shape shifted, they get you

because they see the threads & not the form..

i am so grateful for you..

i will never stop being humbled & grateful that our lives crossed

i have not been easy these past years so this first field note is a nod to

my friends, my communities & my family..

thank you for witnessing the many versions of me

I have never tried to convince people to understand me..

but i do fight for my connections

so i have had to learn to accept the impermanence of all things

I grew up with this teaching & understand it philosophically

but living this has not been easy

because there is a difference between

indifference and conscious release

One closes the heart before it can be hurt

The other loves fully, shows up fully & makes every honest effort

but when the time comes...

lets go with open hands... 😭

i am trying to practice it but it breaks me..

to love without believing that holding on is what keeps something alive...

thank you for being here till the end

♡