Presence Through Impermanence
Last year, I made a pack with myself to show my face.
In the literal sense..
i always had an insecurity about showing my face, growing up with the belief that i was ugly.
That actual word...
Yesterday, I found my box of love letters from the time i was 14 till my 20's
Reading through them, I could feel how that insecurity reigned over my young life as note after note seeked to reassure me, convince me, plead for my trust..
I sat with this today & realised how much & also how little that has changed.
That no matter how popular you are, how much love is thrown at you,
how much adoration is poured at you..
nothing can change your belief except you yourself..
To realise your own beauty & your light, you have to work to see it yourself.
No one can convince you, unless you start to hold that belief yourself..
But words are also powerful
And if we allow ourselves to hear them..
work on opening our hearts to receive them,
they can help tear away these walls that keep us from realising our self..
but we cannot depend on them
because it just doesn't work..
As i walk towards another circle around the sun..
the last of another decade..
this work has shifted..
i can feel that ageing gracefully is going to be a big challenge!
& i wonder if this work now is going to be even bigger..
The difference is,
now, i am aware.
Being aware doesn't make it easier
It just means having somewhere to direct the work.
I still struggle to show you my face today..
i still cannot see ..
but it's a huge improvement..
& at the end of it all?
it ends, thats it
So this work we put in..
it is not for something in the future
It is for living, every day
Finally, i just want to say..
to everyone who ever wrote me a love note, a sweet note, a beautiful note..
I am blown away by how beautiful some of these notes are
& i am so glad i kept them
Grateful to you for seeing me..